Lately, I've been feeling extremely blocked up mentally. Not sure if its been my overall mood as of late or my living situation, but even when I felt I was fine mentally, I couldn't get myself to be productive creatively. I thought learning new skills as an artist (I started learning painting irl to see if it would help painting digitally) and putting out music again would help out, but all it resulted in was a brief resurgence of good-feeling progress then zilch.

I feel so disoriented and disconnected from what I'm trying to do that most of the time, I open up CLIP STUDIO or Ableton and end up doodling or whatever, but not starting on anything and committing with Ctrl + S. Sometimes I have plans and feel pretty confident in them, but they usually fall apart once my skill and uh... stamina? Yeah, stamina, go away. Worst thing is I worked pretty hard to try learning what I had before, but sometimes, it just brushes off like I never had it in me to create in the first place.

I have a feeling its part of a series of mental health issues I've been struggling with for a while but haven't had the right diagnosis for yet (I started therapy a few months ago and am now looking into a psychologist). I've been struggling with what I've called "procrastination" for a while now. I'm hoping I can resolve eventually, but it really takes a toll on a mf not being able to cobble things together. Not being able to socialize with a community of people I want to get into. That kind of thing.

Some might already know what I'm describing, so I'll leave it at that. Or well, lemme leave this off with I'm learning more about myself and learning to work with that. I don't see working through mental health as a bad thing, so don't wanna make it sound bittersweet lol. Just that I'm standing at the base of this hill, and I've got a ton of walking to do.

That and yes, I'm still alive! I feel like a geezer past his prime saying it, but after such a long hiatus from everything, I feel alone again lmao